Here it is, the new year, and with it comes a fresh start and a renewed focus on stopping one’s life from flying off the rails and getting it back on track for healthy, happy and productive living.
If you haven’t finalized your resolution list yet, here’s another item to add: eat more candy!
Why? For one reason, you can hike over seven miles on the food energy from a Baby Ruth bar. Science nerds have proven this with actual calorimetric tests. So, if you’ve made a resolution to exercise more often, eat candy. Enjoy a bar or two today – and every day.
Yes, yes, I hear your complaints already.
“But candy is junk food!” I hear you health foodies cry. Well, let us not forget that behind every candy bar stands a herd of champion cows with endearing names such as Jolly Jack, Swanky Dan, Destiny and Charmer. Only an ogre would think these cows are not giving you their all. They only want your love and support.
“Eh… candy is for kids! I ain’t eatin’ more kid stuff!” I hear you macho men gripe. Well, there’s nothing sweety-sweet or fluffy-fluff about some candy bars. For example, a Baby Ruth bar is certainly a two-fisted candy a man can really enjoy.
Out-of-doors, it’s a meal by itself. Skip the pepperoni sticks and beer nuts… they won’t sustain you through the day. A Baby Ruth bar satisfies the heartiest of appetites and makes you peppy, active and tireless. Bottom line, it’s the ideal snack for virtually any kind of “just the guys” bonding. The next time you go hunting, take one along.
And then, there are us women. We over-think everything and fret over trivial issues such as “what is fair and what is right… blah, blah, blah.”
I’ve heard much equivocation about proper nutrition from the feminine gender: “I would like to eat more candy… but it seems like such an indulgence.” Or: “I could use a break… but there just isn’t enough time in the day.”
Well, whether you’re a hard-working career woman or a hard-working homemaker, you owe it to yourself to take time for a little pampering. With the new year comes a new attitude, so please put down the iron or put down the mouse and go “out to munch”.
This being said, let’s not lose sight of the fact that kids love candy, so don’t overlook the little ones and their problems this year either. Is your kid a weakling on the playground? Is he or she ignored by the other kiddies?
Perhaps the solution doesn’t lie in vitamin-enriched smoothies or psychoanalysis. Maybe it’s just as simple as giving the kids some Necco wafers. They’re not just empty calories – they have eight… count ‘em… eight delicious flavors, all adding up to a powerful lot for a mighty little tot.
Oh… and a Tarzan outfit might also place your child right into the center of attention.
Remember: candy is good for us all. It’s a tasty treat for the one percent to eat….
…and a great incentive for everybody else to move their feet!
1. Will I be sued for copyright infringement if I name my children Jolly Jack, Swanky Dan, Destiny and Charmer?
2. Why would a housewife be ironing a mouse?
3.Am I the only one who played communion wafers with Neccos?
1. Now that you mention this, I think you’re obligated to do it!
2. Ironing keeps the fur looking nice.
3. I suspect that most Catholic kids did!